What’s your book about?

It’s a question I’ve been asked several times in recent weeks as the publishing date of my book Speaking From The Scar draws closer. It’s a tricky question for me to answer because I want to explain so much in my response – what it’s about, what it isn’t about, and why I came to write it – too many things to fit in a single sentence. So, here’s a deeper dive into the ‘whys’ of my book.

The past stays in the past

A little over a decade ago, I believed that things that happen in childhood have absolutely no impact or influence on our adult lives. It was a series of events in my mid-forties that provided me with a gradual dawning understanding that my childhood experiences were influencing many areas of my adult life and that being sexually abused by a trusted neighbour at just nine years of age was absolutely NOT okay! With my perspective flipped, I began a process of investigating and unravelling the trauma that had been trapped inside me for thirty-six years.

I’d been in denial and figuring there must be numerous others out in the world with a similar perspective to mine I decided it was important to speak about my experiences. Previously, I believed what happened when I was nine didn’t matter; that I can’t do anything to change it; that there’s no point talking about it; what’s done is done and I should put it behind me and move forward. But with a new-found perspective, I wanted others to know they might also be telling themselves stories about their childhood experiences that are not serving them. My beliefs certainly weren’t serving me.

Seeking justice

After having my perceptions flipped, I wanted to let the perpetrator know I was no longer silent. My expectations for making a police report were not high and I didn’t set out seeking justice for myself, I just figured my report might help someone else with their report. It’s funny what motivates us, I was willing to help someone else; it didn’t occur to me at the time that I was also worthy of help. And there was the desire to make the offender uncomfortable; I liked the idea of him being questioned by the police, even if it didn’t lead to an arrest.

After making a statement, the police undertook an investigation which led to an arrest, a court case and ultimately a conviction. A process that sounds quick and simple when I write it in one sentence, but it happened over years and was often laborious. Sharing the process I experienced may help demystify it for others contemplating a police report (bearing in mind of course that every circumstance will be different).

Perhaps I could help others

In January 2023 I attended a retreat in northern New South Wales where I met a woman who disclosed she was sexually abused in her childhood. On my way home from the retreat I considered how she may have been feeling having just shared with a room full of strangers something that she’d held close for so long. Remembering how I’d felt when I began to connect with my childhood wounds, and all the tears I released around that time, I wondered if there was anything I could do to support her. As I fell asleep that night my mind was repeating… ‘how can I help her’?

When I woke the next morning, the idea was there; I’d write a list of all the things that had supported me over the past thirteen years, and I’d share it with her. That list of around twenty items was four pages long, which surprised me – I’d done quite a lot of stuff! I’d previously attempted to write a book but was never happy with the format and didn’t know how to end it, but this list of actions was the perfect outline for the chapters of a book and that’s when I started writing Speaking From The Scar.

It’s a series of stories (told in a similar style to the stories I tell at live storytelling events) woven together to take the reader along the path I followed from denial about the impacts of my childhood experiences, through to making a police report and navigating the justice system, my love for meditation, and how counselling and a variety of other modalities supported me to find my way to peace.

My intention in sharing my stories is to shed light on the experience of a child sexual abuse survivor. So many of us don’t speak for many varied and complex reasons. My desire is to bring awareness and understanding for anyone curious about why trauma survivors are silent for so long, but mostly to support anyone that’s also experienced childhood sexual abuse; it’s my greatest wish that they’ll find something useful in my words to support their own healing experience.

What it’s not about

I have chosen not to identify the man who abused me. This book is not about him, it’s about what I have done in response to what he did. I have also consciously made the choice not to share the details of his crimes mostly because sharing my story brings about comparison and I believe that trauma is an individual experience that shouldn’t be compared. My trauma will be different to that of another person, and I don’t want anyone to minimise their own experience because they believe mine was “worse”, or make comparisons by thinking their experience was “worse”. All sexual abuse is ugly and traumatic.

So if you’re concerned that reading my book might be triggering or re-traumatise, you can be comfortable knowing I don’t go there, my focus is on healing.

Disrupting the Culture of Silence

There are thousands of people like me. Current statistics suggest that more than one in four people experienced sexual abuse before their sixteenth birthday. And females were twice as likely to have experienced child sexual abuse than males. Yet we exist in a culture of silence.

Source: National Office for Child Safety https://www.childsafety.gov.au/about-child-sexual-abuse/how-many-people-have-experienced-child-sexual-abuse

So often I hear people say they think I’m brave or courageous. Which I guess is understandable given so few speak on this topic. I’m now comfortable to share about the experiences I’ve lived because I carry no shame, and why not speak about them? I’m simply providing others with a window into my world. And if by sharing that view it supports others to feel less alone or inspired to speak their stories too, that’s great.

In my previous blog I wrote about The Power That Rests in Silence and I’m delighted to see a new national advertising campaign encouraging kids to talk. Raising awareness is key.

More information: One Talk at a Time | National Office for Child Safety

The only people our silence serves is paedophiles.

Speaking is like kryptonite to paedophiles. The more we talk, the less confident they become.

Speaking From The Scar will be published on Tuesday 14 November.