Many are choosing silence… and why I believe we shouldn’t
I believe there are hundreds of thousands of adults suffering in silence, but their silence is chosen because they believe staying quiet is for the best. For 36 years I didn’t speak, and I chose that. As a nine-year-old I knew it was wrong, I knew I couldn’t talk about it, no-one said ‘don’t talk about it’, I just knew I shouldn’t. And for many years I didn’t fully understand why I didn’t speak. Recently I gained another layer of understanding about my own experience as I sat in circle with six courageous, powerful and beautiful women at the inaugural ‘Speaking From The Scar’ women’s retreat weekend. An offering I have created to support women that have also experienced sexual abuse in childhood.
In the leadup to the weekend I had a sense it was going to be powerful. In my own unravelling, being witnessed in speaking about aspects of my story had been incredibly healing – I was holding this intention for the women that were coming. For a number of years, I’ve wanted to create spaces where women would feel safe to speak about the impacts of being sexually abused during childhood. Where they would be surrounded by other survivors, encouraged and supported.
Morning dip to watch the sunrise together during our weekend together
The dichotomy of speaking
It didn’t take long for the women to become fierce advocates for one another. As each woman began to express herself and shared pieces of her journey (only as much as she chose), the other women energetically gathered around her, holding her in her unfolding. The solidarity was palpable.
For some, their desire to cause no harm created a dichotomy. On one hand they wanted to express and speak about their experiences, yet simultaneously, there was fear. Fear that if I tell you about what happened, it will hurt you. There was a strong feeling of ‘I don’t want to put my story on you’. And I saw in them the woman I had once been. A fierce warrior that said “I will hold this in because it’s too ugly to let it spill out. It’s too much for anyone else to bear”.
And with that came another revelation for me, another reason for my years of silence. I already understood I’d chosen silence because I didn’t have the words when I was nine to describe what had happened to me, and perhaps I thought I’d get into trouble if my parents found out what had happened. But at the retreat weekend, these women showed me another reason for my years of silence – what happened to me was too much to put on anyone else. Even as a nine-year-old, I instinctively knew speaking about my experiences may hurt others. So I held it all in.
Our culture of silence
I believe society’s current culture of silence on the topic of child sexual abuse contributes to the lack of opportunities for survivors to heal.
The way I see it, there are two issues:
Society doesn’t want to hear about child sexual abuse.
Victims don’t want to speak about what happened.
I believe that society has come to think that the subject of child sexual abuse is taboo. That we can’t speak about it because people will become triggered and upset. That stories of child sexual abuse are ugly and must be dealt with carefully and behind closed doors. This perpetuates shame for survivors.
Survivors don’t want to ‘put their story on anyone’ and so carry their burden in silence. They believe that society doesn’t want to hear about their experiences. But they also don’t want to spread their hurt.
Meanwhile perpetrators are continuing to offend because our culture is walking around with its fingers in its ears. Our silence serves no-one but those who continue to offend.
Image Source: The Australian Child Maltreatment Study; https://www.acms.au/
How do we break the cycle?
I believe that to heal and break the cycle of abuse, we need to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Society, every one of us, needs to become willing to listen. And we should be encouraging both child victims and adult survivors to speak. In my personal experience, speaking in a safe forum where I was witnessed and validated has been incredibly healing. Owning the story of what happened to me means the experiences no longer have power over me.
Every survivor of child sexual abuse did nothing wrong. I’m not afraid to say I am a survivor. I was a child. I did nothing wrong.
Image Source: The Australian Child Maltreatment Study; https://www.acms.au/
It’s not for survivors to take the first step, they are already struggling enough. Society needs to welcome the conversation.
I’ll be continuing to support survivors by offering more of these weekend circles (and an online offering over a series of weeks), where women will be invited to express themselves safely and openly.
The program I’ve developed is based on the practices that have supported me on my road to wholeness; meditation, writing prompts, speaking, journalling, movement and expression. It’s a peer-led program that is intended to complement (but not substitute) professional therapies and mental health supports.
Feedback from the weekend
I surveyed the women at the conclusion of the weekend and asked “What would you say to another woman considering attending this retreat weekend?” This is what they said…
“Definitely a must do. I wish I had had the chance to do this years ago.”
“Do it – you will discover so much about yourself in such a short amount of time and it’s held in such a beautiful way.”
“Well worth attending. Karen is a beautiful leader. It is the beginning of your healing journey.”
“This is a powerful healing retreat that I would recommend to anyone who is seeking to heal.”
“Go in with an open mind. Be open to participation, even if your individual participation looks very different to those in the group.”
“Do it!”
“100% of the participants said that being a peer-led program was validating and beneficial and that being in a circle exclusively for women that have experienced sexual abuse created connection and a sense of safety.”
As the weekend concluded and we said our goodbyes I was struck by how their appearance had altered. They seemed lighter, taller, softer. They were moving with a sense of grace and flow.
My heart is full of admiration for these women and I’m feeling grateful to have had the opportunity to witness their strength, courage, and beauty. It was an absolute privilege to journey with them.
The Speaking From The Scar weekend retreat will be offered again in Sorrento on 17-19 May.
If you would like to know more, please email me at karengarton5@bigpond.com or direct message me via socials.
Much love, Karen x